finding Reese.: a SAFELIGHT novel vol.2 (SAFELIGHT Series) Read online

  I nod and smile softly, allowing him to get his fears off his chest. The more he speaks, the less enthused I am about Olivia Reese.

  “Time zones were a bitch to manage, but somehow we made it work. As the weeks progressed, I kept hearing less and less from her, and I knew something was off. A part of me wanted to believe I was being an insecure asshole, that my brain was fucking with me, but deep down I knew something was up. I got a weekend off and got on a red-eye to surprise her. Imagine me, a bouquet of flowers in hand and the shocked look on my face when I saw the woman I loved being fucked in the ass on our bed by someone who wasn’t me.”

  “You’re scared something like that might happen again,” I acknowledge, trying to keep my voice even. If I said his doubt didn’t hurt me a little it would be a far cry from the truth. A look of embarrassment claims Stryder’s features and it makes him appear more vulnerable to me than ever before.

  “Feel free to slap me, Catalina. I deserve it,” Stryder whispers, resting his head on top of my thighs. “I know I shouldn’t doubt us, especially after all that’s happened . . .”

  Placing my hand on the back of his neck, I caress it. “Shh, I get it,” I say, trying to stifle a smile. Without trying, Stryder is telling me how much I mean to him, and if I had any doubts about his affections and the depth of his love, I can throw those out the window right now. Stryder Martynus loves me.

  Exhaling loudly, I continue. “I won’t sit here and make promises to you. Anyone can do that, Stryder. What I will do is show you with every breath and every action how much you mean to me. Only time will tell where this thing between us goes, but know this: I will miss you with each beat of my heart and will cross out the days on my calendar until you’re in my arms again.

  “I will video call you and write you love letters, because that’s what two people in love do. I’m so fucking in love with you that I’d write you corny poems and even doodle your name in the margins of my journal, but more importantly, I’ll wait for you because you’re worth it, Stud. Ease your troubled mind.”

  Stryder’s hands take hold of my neck, and he kisses me with an intensity I haven’t quite felt before: love, affection, trust, and desire sealed into one amazingly perfect kiss.

  “I love you, Catalina. I will think about you every day, dream of you at night, and look forward to having your body wrapped around mine. I hope you understand, no matter what happens I will love you unconditionally. I’m just scared of losing you.

  “Sometimes I feel so unworthy of you because your soul is so heart-crushingly beautiful and I’m just . . . me. A part of me feels I went through that shit with Olivia because you were meant to walk into my life. It was because fate had you in store for me.”

  His sincerity moves my soul, and now more than ever I understand why he’s been out of sorts. My hands rise to his face to cup his jaw, and my eyes gaze into his, which look greener than usual with the morning light filtering through the windowpane.

  “Why do you say such beautiful things, Stryder? Like you, I feel undeserving of this love, but I guess that’s why God brought us together. I used to roll my eyes at those scenes in movies where the protagonists go over the top with their love declarations, but now I totally get it. It’s not cheesy when your heart knits feelings into words. I had it so wrong.”

  Stryder kisses the tip of my nose and rises to stand. Extending his hand, he helps me up, brings me close to his chest, and declares, “You are everything to me.”

  The way he says those words−full of conviction and unmistakable confidence−rattles me down to my soul. It’s as if those words have the ability to travel down to the deepest confines of my soul and knock down that final ice wall he’s been chipping at since the moment we met. I still can’t believe that, of all people, it would be the random stranger I met on a flight who would break down all of my walls, steal my heart, and make it his.

  I STAND IN FRONT OF the window, holding onto my girl and feeling like the luckiest son of a bitch in the world. Wishful thoughts of growing old and grey beside Catalina take over my mind, and a sly smile creeps over my lips. There is no doubt in my mind I have found the woman I want to call my wife. This may sound crazy, and maybe my heart is moving faster than my feet, but I don’t care. This love makes me sick with happiness, and damn me if I don’t want to be cured.

  The conversation between Cat and me could’ve gone in a different direction. She could’ve gotten pissed off at my trust issues and moreover hurt at the mere mention of Oli, but that’s what separates Catalina from all the women I’ve ever been with before. She gets me and it is so odd, yet gratifying, to know she can put her feelings aside and listen to what I have to say with an open heart.

  I’m relieved knowing Catalina will be waiting for me when I return from my assignment. I dismiss the urge to decline all incoming job offers to stay here with her; the reason behind it was wrong and brought on by my insecurities rather than necessity. Catalina doesn’t deserve that. I desperately need to get my head back in the game, and make a mental note to call Mom and chat with her about this. If anyone gives me spectacular advice in my life, that’s my Mom. In a weird way, Catalina reminds me of her. I smile, remembering Jackson’s party where she was teaching Catalina the basic steps of the Cha-cha.

  Then there is Catalina’s vacation . . . It’s good to know she’ll be surrounded by my family and helping Jackson during his recovery. Between her, Kaelan, and Kathy, Jax should be up and snowboarding in no time. We just need to get through the next few days, attend Chris’s and Rem’s funerals, and try to move on with all of our lives. The thought that it could have been Jackson’s funeral we’re attending makes me shiver.

  Breaking our hold, I bring Catalina back to the bed and tuck her in. Her eyes search mine and, kissing her lips chastely, I say, “I’m going to get us some breakfast at the main building. I need to get some fresh air. I’ll be back soon, okay?”

  Catalina pouts her lips and nods her head slowly. God, she’s so adorable. It takes all of my willpower to break away from her, but I also know she understands why I need some time to think. I brush my teeth and put on sweats and trainers. By the time I return to kiss her goodbye, she’s fast asleep with a smile on her face. I kiss her hair, taking in its sweet scent, and leave the suite.

  Instead of heading straight to the lodge restaurant like I originally intended, I stop by the lodge’s gym and run on the treadmill at a threatening pace. As I race, my mind goes amok with thoughts of the past and how I need to let it go. I can’t let my past control my future with Catalina. The more I run, the more I feel liberated from Olivia’s ghost. No matter how much she hurt me, a part of me still held onto her. Even when I lost myself in bed with lots of women, I always had Olivia in my head.

  And now, I feel no love for her, and while that much is true I worry that not all people share my ideals of fidelity. All the depth of my feeling belongs to Catalina. I have to shake off the devil’s seed of doubt planted in my brain because of my past. Drenched in sweat, I get off the treadmill and pick up the courtesy phone to make arrangements for a nice brunch to be delivered to our room. Olivia was my past, but Catalina is my future, and I’ll be damned if I fuck this up with my insecurities.

  Picking up a towel, I wipe the sweat from my brow. Through the mirrored walls I see two women eyeballing me, and I groan inwardly. Look away, ladies, because looking is all you’ll be able to do. Throwing the towel into the bin, I leave the gym and return to our room. Luckily, Catalina is still fast asleep, so I duck in the shower and make it quick since I want to greet room service without waking her up. Wrapping a towel around my hips, I walk to the closet and dress for the day. The sound of my phone chirping in the bathroom redirects my attention. As I pick up my phone, my heart clenches in my chest.

 

  I reply quickly.

 

  elease him but when we told him we were expected at Chris’s and Rem’s services in WY he broke down. They gave him sedatives to calm him.>

 

 

 

 

  I check my email inbox and see Kaelan’s itinerary. We leave tomorrow afternoon for Casper, Wyoming. Closing the application, I reply back.

 

  The raps against the door of the suite prompt me to place my cell in my pocket and run to the door. I collect the trays from the room service cart and place them on the small table in the suite. The smell of waffles and bacon wafts into the room, waking Catalina up. There’s my girl, her raven hair messy, and a smile on her heart-shaped lips. Her alluring beauty takes my breath away.

  “Good morning again, baby,” I whisper as she yawns and stretches in bed.

  Yawning, Catalina says, “Good morning to you too.” Coming over to the bed, I kiss her lips softly. She sighs happily.”You smell so good.”

  I tilt my neck until her nose and lips touch my skin. “There. Better?” Once again, Catalina inhales deeply, but this time she licks me, and my dick quickly takes notice of her affections. I chuckle inwardly, thinking no woman but Catalina has the ability to get me going with the simplest of actions, and I love that about us.

  “Stop teasing me, Catalina,” I groan, and after putting a considerable distance between us, I stand to help her up. “Come on, baby. Brunch is here.”

  Catalina scoots out of bed in her oversized t-shirt and pajama pants, and we eat at the table in comfortable silence. Perhaps now is the time to break the news about Jax. I explain the text messages Kaelan sent me, and the look on Catalina’s face reflects worry and sadness. I can tell her mind is racing but she only says, “That sucks.”

  After brunch, I propose we do some sightseeing, but one glance out the window at the snow shower quickly cancels my plan. So we settle for watching movies, reading, and simply enjoying each other’s company. I can’t believe how exhausted she is as she naps in intervals curled up in my lap. The only time she gets up is to use the bathroom. My Raven Girl looks a little pale and judging by her pained expression, her time of the month is kicking her ass, and then some.

  I just can’t wait for her to get past it so that we can resume the closeness I can’t get enough of. I’m dying to taste her, lose myself in her skin and go into reckless abandon. We need to talk about contraception, because I really don’t like using condoms and I have yet to share that with her. I don’t want to sound like a rueful jerk, though, and I know this topic needs to be brought on gently. Clearing my throat, I speak my mind because there isn’t a delicate way to talk about it.

  “I think we need to talk about something important,” I begin a little awkwardly.

  “What’s up?” Catalina asks, her eyes searching mine.

  “We’ve been together for some time now, and I was wondering how you feel about condoms.”

  Catalina’s face flushes, but she answers. “I hate them, and I know you do too. Am I wrong?” As I nod in agreement, I’m pretty sure my face is the same shade of red as hers.

  “No, you’re not. It’s restricting, but at the same time they’re a necessary evil.”

  Catalina nods, and says, “Tell you what. Now is the perfect time to start birth control. We’ll still have to be careful, but I’ll do it if that’s what you want. Though . . .” she trails off. “After the accident, the doctor had to remove one of my ovaries. It’s not to say I can’t bear children, but I was advised getting pregnant again wouldn’t be easy. I have a lot of issues with my plumbing, but it’s not unwise to be safe. Thank you for being considerate in our encounters. It says a lot about you,” Catalina asserts with luminous eyes.

  Whoa. I didn’t expect to be saddened by her words, but I am. It hurts to know she has endured so much pain and suffering over the years, and the aftermath of the fatal accident still haunts her to this very day. I want to say something that will comfort her, but the right words don’t surface. Sighing, I kiss her forehead and the dreamer in me takes the conversation one step further.

  “How do you feel about kids, Catalina?” I ask earnestly. I don’t really know why I’m even asking that, but I’m curious to know her response.

  “To tell you the truth, after losing the baby, my womb felt empty . . . like someone stole something precious from me, but my baby wasn’t the only person I was robbed of. Blake was too, and after his death, I gave up on the idea of love, and on my dreams of becoming a mom. I decided I could help those in need, so I have charities for single moms I donate to on a monthly basis and I’ve volunteered at a woman’s shelter in the city. But to answer your question, motherhood was a dream I always had, but now in my thirties I’m afraid that ship has sailed.”

  “Why do you say that, Cat? Women are having kids in their forties nowadays,” I whisper, feeling disheartened. “Why give up so easily?”

  Catalina sniffles and raises her head up from my lap. Crossing her arms against her chest, I notice her chin and lips quiver as dew droplets form in the corner of her eyes. Placing my hand over her heart, I feel it drumming furiously.

  “Because you don’t know what it’s like to want something so bad and see it ripped from you in the blink of an eye. I wouldn’t call it giving up, Stryder. I call it self-preservation. I can’t bear the loss of another child. Not in this lifetime,” Catalina whispers shakily, wiping the corner of her eyes with the hem of her t-shirt. Standing up, she returns to the bed and buries herself underneath the covers.

  Her unmistakable sniffles tell me she’s crying, and I hate that I’m the cause of them. I scramble towards her, not knowing what to say that will ease her sadness. I need to say something, but a repeated “I’m sorry,” is all that comes out.

  “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to bring this up. I just . . . I just wanted to know. Cat?” I ramble, rubbing her back over the layers of blankets covering her. When she doesn’t respond, tears of my own slip out at the realization that I, too, want something I’ve never wanted before.

  A part of me realized it the day I met Catalina. I helped a woman carry her sleeping toddler into the flight cabin, and when that half-asleep child called me ‘Dada,’ something in me clicked. Somehow I knew at that moment life is too short and being a father is something I’d aspire to be in the not so distant future, and now that my heart belongs to Catalina, I want it all the more.

  Listening to Catalina’s experience makes my chest tight. The woman I love has been through so much, and there’s nothing I’d like more than to wipe away those horrible memories and replace them all with happier ones. I won’t give up on showing her with every waking moment how much she means to me, and how much I want her to have hope and dream of things she once deemed impossible. And she will bear a child. I won’t give up on that dream until I make it a reality.

  I undress, and lifting the thick blankets, I curl in bed beside her. At first Catalina tries to push me away, but after I trail small kisses against the soft curve of her neck, she concedes. Words aren’t needed, but I know my lady well enough to know she’s okay, and that helps me breathe easier. I’ll let this conversation go for now and wait until our lives return to normal. With all the recent events, perhaps I’m jumping the gun here and sprinting towards the finish line, when the truth of the matter is I need to slow down for her sake.

  “Are we good?” I whisper into the silence of the room.

  “Yeah,” she replies quietly, but says nothing further.

  I exhale a shaky breath, trying to get past the awkwardness of our conversation. Her delicate hand touches the bare skin of my back, and scratches it gently and affectionately. I groan, and in a matter o
f minutes all the stress of the past week seems to fade away under her touch.

  “I love you, Stryder. Just don’t give up on me, promise?” Catalina’s words are firm and full of promise.

  I raise my head, and look deeply into her eyes, which are slightly bloodshot by tears. My hands find the curve of her jaw, and I say, “I love you too, Catalina. I’d never give up on you, or us for that matter. Never.”

  My eyes zone in on those heart-shaped lips of hers, wanting nothing more than to kiss them, but I hesitate. Not because I don’t want to, but because I love her so much, and I’m overwhelmed with our kind of love. You know the kind that makes you a lunatic, have out-of-body experiences, and do stupid shit. I love Catalina with every fiber of my being and want her to love me with the same fire and intensity. I’m not saying she doesn’t, because I know she loves me. There’s no doubt about that, but I’m a guy who needs his reassurances too. I close my eyes and breathe heavily, trying to dispel my insecurities and doubts. Catalina doesn’t deserve an ounce of my idiotic thoughts right now.

  As if sensing my hesitation, Catalina raises her head, and her lips meet mine. She kisses me softly, and all of my negative thoughts are replaced with the reassurance that she loves me, and that alone is enough to make my blood travel south in a heartbeat.

  My whole body shakes with anxiety as we step into the First Methodist Church in Casper. I’m flanked by Catalina as I push Jax in his wheelchair while Catalina holds his hand. Unlike Catalina, Jax and I knew Chris and Rem for many years, and seeing their closed caskets with red roses atop of them brings to the surface many beautiful memories that are now painful. My heart feels contrite, and a part of me just wants to break down and cry.